Why I Declined A Lead Role

Sometimes you get what you ask for only to realize it’s not what you actually want. 

If you’re reading this, I’m sure you know that I’ve done a few verticals over the last few years. More of the elevated, smaller apps, but when it comes to the big players in the space, I really haven’t been getting much motion. And the funny thing about rejection is that, when it comes to the ego, it’s easy to confuse a lack of opportunities with a lack of talent. 

I’ll be honest, I’d occasionally have to catch myself thinking, “Damn, what’s wrong with me that these folks aren’t calling?” Especially with the positive reactions from the few projects I’ve done. Am I not attractive enough? No, that can’t be it. I work so much in print and in commercial projects. Also, I have a mirror. 

So am I not talented enough?  Naw, that can’t be it – I've done enough smaller legit stuff to combat that perception, and I genuinely feel my instrument getting sharper every day. So what the what is it? 

Well, now…there is the obvious fact that I don’t look like your typical leading vertical man. I had a meeting with one of these apps last year, where I was told to my face that while they like me, their numbers just don’t support melanin in their leading roles. Remember, these are tech companies, not art houses. 

Cool. Life goes on. I stay in my lane with commercial work and the occasional theatrical project 3-5 times a year. But getting on one of those larger apps is still on my checklist. I really had my heart set on it. Especially after I learned that my firends in the space are actually making more than they would if they booked a TV show. I’m not proud to admit that I felt that I deserved to be in those conversations.

So I make a business decision. I even dropped my old manager to join a team known for representing gorgeous vertical actors and pitching them for legit work. Next thing I know, the wave of auditions starts pouring in. And it’s the top apps too. Even the company that told me they probably didn’t have a role for me. It’s an uphill battle, but I’m finally feeling in the mix.

Then the sides (excerpts of the script you read for an audition) start getting worse and worse. More violent, especially towards women, and the stories are growing in a more sexual nature. Spectacle over story. Sex over substance. 

Listen, I believe there is honor in doing any work (commercial, print, verticals) if it’s human. But now that the space is embracing AI, you can see humanity's deterioration in the scripts. These aren’t people. They’re superficial ideas. 

It got to the point where I called my manager and just had to level with him. “These vertical auditions are killing my love for acting. I don’t know how many I’ll be getting on tape for moving forward. Are you okay if I start declining them more frequently?” Thankfully, he was very understanding. 

This was about a week ago. After that conversation, my focus was solely on SAG commercials and the more legit theatrical stuff coming through. At least I was getting callbacks for those. “You go where you’re appreciated, not where you’re tolerated,” is what my sister always told. me.

And just when I’d about given up on the idea of booking a leading role for one of the top players in the space, there it comes. A direct offer. I didn’t even have to audition. Let’s fuckin’ go! 

There are still a few hoops I have to jump through, but they sent over a contract. Everything looks good. The pay is competitive! More than I’ve made from any of my TV bookings, and I’m excited. My brain is ululating “Finally!” This is the moment I’ve been waiting for for like two years. 

But alas, something doesn’t feel right. The script isn’t great. It’s not even comparable to my other leading vertical projects. And every time I read it, there are five or six moments where I feel this unshakable sensation in my chest. It’s like a bird trying to flee its cage. A sense that I need to escape. I have to slow my thoughts to understand what’s going on. The “bird” is telling me: Don’t. But why? 

This has been my goal for two years. Come hell or high water, this is happening. You don’t make it to the NBA finals and decide you don’t want to play when the coach is asking you to start. And usually, I’ve found this sort of stubbornness to be an asset, but life has been lifeing this year. And I’ve learned to heed these warnings. 

But I still can’t articulate why. Intuition is great, but a “feeling” in my chest isn’t enough. I’ve gotta explain to my agent and manager why we’re not working. Why weren’t we getting paid? And this was a wide-open lay-up.  And my team was going back and forth for like three days to get the contract right. I can’t just tell them, “You know what, I’m not feeling it.” AND I haven’t booked anything through this new manager yet. When you’re in that position as an actor, you’re always a little afraid in the back of your mind that you’re going to get dropped. 

So before I decide, I reachout to a handful of people seeking guidance. I keep a tiny circle (aye yo ). But I am blessed that the few people around me have divine discernment. I speak to my lady, my sister, someone who has never been wrong when it comes to my moves in the industry (learned that lesson the hard way once, and that was enough), and an ally who does a lot of things behind the scenes in the space. Everyone is saying the same thing. “I have a bad feeling about this,” or “I don’t know if this is for you.”

Keep in mind, I’ve been focusing on other facets of acting (commercials and legit stuff), and I’m being brought back in more consistently for SAG commercials and literally got a callback for a dream role the other day. There’s motion in that lane. And I’m still working with an acting coach. Still studying at a studio. My instrument has me feeling like there’s nothing I can’t do at this point. If I’m being honest, I don’t know if I’d be at peace with fumbling this opportunity if I didn’t have that confidence. But it’s still hard to let go.

Finally, I realized why. It wasn’t the money or the uncertainty of when I’ll book my next narrative project. It wasn’t the pressure of how am I going to explain this to my team. Or the fear of being dropped. It was validation. Validation that I belong. That I deserved to be a leading man in a predominantly white space. That my talent and skill (yes, there is a difference) transcended analytics and aesthetics. 

The “bird” was freed. That painful realization granted me peace. Like, why have I not found that validation within myself? After all these years, why am I still seeking this external validation? The truth is, most actors do. You don’t enter this career for the rejection and to dangerously flirt with poverty. 

What made this situation so confounding was that it wasn’t rejection. In rejection…if you have an ounce of self-awareness…you ask what I could have done better? What do I need to add to my arsenal as an artist to be undeniable? So when the next opportunity comes, I’m ready. 

But now, and possibly for the first time, I’m navigating my relationship with acceptance. There was nothing for me to “do better” in this situation. Nothing for me to change. The only thing I needed to address was my perception of the situation. Usually, we learn from our losses, but sometimes, if we’re paying attention, maybe we can learn from our wins too. 

I’ve learned that, while my art is obviously meant to be shared. And the goal is to work as much as possible. But no matter what it is, even if it’s the opportunity I’ve been longing for, if it doesn’t feel right to me. Then it’s not right for me. 

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I’ll never do another vertical. I’m here to share my talent and skills. But my passion, my craft, my sense of belonging…my life. That’s solely for me. And solely comes from me. 

I’m incredibly grateful to anyone who's invested in my work, whether that's vertical apps, brands, fans, networks, family, or firends. But at the end of the day, validation isn’t why I decided to pursue this career. I became an actor because the bird in my chest wanted to escape everything else. So why would I not honor that?